First Look

I cannot talk about my surgery and those first days without talking about the "first look"  Now I am not a vain person, I am comfortable in my own skin, and have said during this entire journey "it's just a boob."  With that being said, I was terrified of seeing myself post-mastectomy.  Completely and utterly terrified.  I didn't look when the doctors checked me, because I didn't want to become an emotional blubbering mess in front of them.

The first look came the next day when it was time to get dressed.  With Jay and my mom there I looked, and was completely shocked.  I wasn't shocked by what it looked like, I was shocked at how much it really didn't affect me.  I'm pretty sure I even said aloud "Wow, I am definitely flat"  I really had no feelings neither here nor there about how it looked, which surprised me.

That does not mean it looked beautiful.  I definitely lost my breast (and my nipple because of another mass behind it), and my scar that was previously half the width of my breast was now across three quarters of it.  It looked like something I had never seen before. 

But, at the same time, it looked like hope to ME.  Something that had a high probability to make me sick or kill me was gone.  I had ended one scary ass journey and was beginning one of rebuilding and health.  No matter what I looked like now, I knew it was temporary.  That is what I held on to.